Brown people dont laugh!

The latest effrontery. A new 'independent movie' by Warner Brothers is hilarious enough for me to chew razor blades.

It is called 'Looking for comedy in the Muslim world' A Jewish comedian (their reference not mine) is sent by the US government to find out why the Muslim world hates our guts. So they supposedly sent him to India and Pakistan, except he ends up in Dehli, India, talks to a lot of ladies with Bindis, makes lame jokes about Gandhi and about how there are no comedians in Iran, except to blow themselves up. I saw the trialer but could not catch a reference to Pakistan and most jokes are played on the helpless Indians as Sitar music plays out in the background.

The best solution is to have a rival screening on the opening day of the movie with skits from 50/50, Alif Noon and Angan Tera.

This is the sadistically the biggest blow of them all. This is clearly saying 'brown people don't laugh. Oh well, its their loss, we get to enjoy both George Carlin and Moin Akhtar.

Chivalry today

In the good old days of chivalry, it was standard practice of the victors to let the opposing losing side collect their dead in peace. Not so any more. The Few (only 250,000 or so), the proud (absolutely), the Marines have retorted to burning the body of Talibans, referred to as 'enemy combatants'. While the bodies of these evil doers were burned, the solider taunted them as 'cowardly dogs'.

All this occurred to me as I saw 'Kingdom of Heaven', a choice representation of futuwa and chivalry by the Crudader Knights. Ahhh . . . the good old days.

A more realistic perspective on the Marine is Anthony Swofford’s riveting book on the first Persian Gulf War, Jarhead which has been made into a movie. He describes the US marines as ‘Welcome to the suck’

Relief Items requested

Medicine's required

Supplies required

First Aid kits
Bandages
Gauze
Splints
Injections
Canellas
Drips -Saline
Anti-tetanus
ORS
Cough syrups
Hydrogen Peroxide
Anti-biotic Cream
Pain Killers
Diarrhea Medication
Adhesives
Scissors
Tweezers
Soap
Plastic Bags
Blankets
Tents –preferably non-flammable
Canned Goods
Can Openers
Powdered Milk
Plastic Sheets
Torches
Ropes
Axes
Shovels
Whistles
Brooms
Good shoes
Candles
Matches
Tissues
Bottles Water
Water Purifies
Cooking Utensils
Cutlery
Crockery
Warm clothing

Earthquake Efforts

Tsunami Disaster 2004 South Asia Earthquake 2005
Died: 150,00 Died: 100,00
Displaced: 1.5 Million Displaced: 3.3 Million
Funds raised: $10 Billion Funds Raised: $630 Million

Some excellent sites for earthquake info

Earthquake 2005

Pakistan Earthquake
http://aopp.org/eq.htm

Center for International Disaster Information
http://iys.cidi.org/disaster/pak.05j08/

Risepak
http://www.risepak.com/

Response to Mr. Cleese Letter

A response from a friend who is a real patriot. Bravo!

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Thank you for your incisive, particular and patronizing letter. We wouldn't expect anything less from a representative of our former beloved and benevolent colonizer.

You may have read that not all of us elected our dear leader. But it's not in a pissy former-colonialists nature to see the subjects of their colonies for their diversity, is it? So to make it easy for you, I will retort as a unified American, as ironic as that is. We hope you understand. We wouldn't expect anything less from a representative of a culture that puts irony and "wit" at a higher premium than content. It's as if somehow, by putting a clever imaginary verbal glue between two pair of underpants you think not only have they become a beautiful coat, but that Mr. Bean donning said coat and swishing about is the highest form of internationally accepted entertainment.
The Queen Mother, you say? Fantastic! Mother, indeed. What a bunch of sluts and freaks roaming through her home. Jerry Springer, indeed.

We prefer your parliament anyway. We will in fact arm you to disband Congress and Senate. Your parliament is more than American enough for us anyway (sans the wigs). There is name calling, drunkenness, shoving. We like those guys. (Could use a couple dykes, though.)

We have some problems with Tony Blair, but we will accept him as he has always been a bottom to us. We would like to continue spanking him. He has a pretty mouth (a rare condition in the state of modern British dentistry).

While it's true that we are blissfully ignorant, close-minded and nation-centric, we find it strange that you, the British, would use this as a criticism. Remember when you all decided to venture forth and see how big exactly the world was and tried to turn all the world into a manufacturing plant and "burra" of your own, making sure that all the little blackies and brownies of the world served you roast beef-headed, boiled cabbage-haired, big-paunched, bad-teethed, uppity tricksters with white gloves?
Yes, I said "you all." We have decided that is a friendly and useful phrase in the language you are desperately trying to make irrelevant in the modern world, and we will continue its use. Good thing you won't understand what it means when you do take us "back" over and we swear at you under our breath, recreating the long history of undetected swearing that has floated around your cloudy heads, drunk on SHERRY (which should only truly be used in cooking as it is NASTY), as the so-called natives gave you a piece of their native minds in their native tongues and you hurrrumphed your way on through you day. Soldier on!

Look up these words, why don't you, fella:
Snooty
Hypocrite
Twitty (as opposed to "witty," which is an adjective, not a religion)
Titanium (you can have al-you-min-ee-yum)
Oh, and I guess you would criticize (or "criticise?") us for our use of Z. Let's take a look at Z words:

Zaire. You were too busy fucking up elsewhere to notice when the Belgians (doing more than just your deeply analyzed potato products) borrowed your specific techniques to "steal" the stealing of the natives' lands from your grasp. You stayed back in

Zanzibar, which you colonized until 1963, the same year JFK was assasinated? You want a history lesson about that fucking year? You think WE are hiding something?

Zebra. Did you know there used to be colored zebras? They became extinct during your rule in colonial Rhodesia. Another brutal attempt for you to ensure that the world exists in only your black and white.

Zee. Oh, by the way, "zee" is older than "zed," in YOUR LANGUAGE. Before the US existed, btw. Even "izzard" is more noveau than "zee," but that's also French, and the one thing we do agree on is not to impersonate the French under any circumstances.

George Eliot. There is a great quote about British disdain for Z by George. Then again, SHE was PISSED off at having to PRETEND SHE WAS A MAN TO WRITE, so we give her a break for criticizing the Z. Her quote amounted to the assertion that Z was added to the end of the alphabet, not as a useful letter, but as a separator between the real letters and the ampersand. We understand your fear of the concept, "last." We understand the concept of afterthought is difficult for you, existing in a world in which you, now, are always a has-been.

Speaking of misogyny, what's up with the suggestion our athletes play with "girls?" Our WOMEN kick your women's ASSES. BTW, it is impolite to call adult females "girls," particularly when they are KICKING YOUR ASSES. Oh, and that's right, our women ESPECIALLY kick your asses at SOCCER, even though according to you, none of us know what that is.

Thanks for talking to Microsoft. In Seattle. Washington. USA.

PLEASE don't try to ensure we distinguish you from the Australians. Your transparent attempt to ensure NOBODY remembers you 1) DISCARDED your "trash" on that continent; and 2) you dumped them VIOLENTLY, AGAIN on a colony of until then self-sustaining natives is both disingenuous and, well, silly. And not silly in a "Mr. Bean just got caught again picking his nose when really it was a super glue incident" way.

Hollywood called to refuse your request about casting Brits as good guys. They are too effeminate.

We are not going to sing a song asking God to save the Queen. If you weren't out colonizing for the last 300 years maybe she wouldn't need all the help.

We do not, however, and officially, argue with your criticisms of our uses of guns, the metric system, weak "lager," lawyers, therapists, inferior cars, inferior tea, things "nuclear," etc. Fair enough. We would like to bring up a few recent incidents to help you further this anaylsis inward:

- Shooting of unarmed Brazilian dude in the TUBE you thought a terrorist.

- Last night's high frequency of puking inside pubs due to over-consumption of "strong" beer even though pubs close at, like, 5 pm or, like, whenever.

- We think it funny you criticize our lawyers vs. your SOLICITORS.

- Most of us don't go to therapists. You watch too much TV.

- We have no response to cars, tea and "nuclear." We agree with you. We don't actually drink that much tea.

Thanks again for your criticism. We love it. It's like tickling us, and shit, like totally awesome when you are our spanking puppet, and, like, we are like laughing hilariously while you are tickling us with your little nancy feathers! We don't actually think any of your criticisms are unwarranted, we just wish they came from one of the other 6+ billion people on this planet that have a legitimate reason to make those complaints, and, specifically, like, not from you.

Love,

The, like, US of frizzzeaking A.

John Cleese's Open Letter to the US :)

John Cleese's Letter to the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your bordersmay have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in clear NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day

John Cleese

The Wrath of Khan

While the world sympathizes with the tragedy in Pakistan, the Atlantic Monthly’s esteemed journalism has a cover story on The Wrath of Khan.

How A. Q. Khan made Pakistan a nuclear power—and showed that the spread of atomic weapons can't be stopped

Mr. William Langewiesche opens his article with heart warming imagery of a beautiful lake, something he probably observed from the air conditioned confines of Mercedes as he was whisked away with Police escort, then he continues on the corruption of the Islamic state, the greed of the Dr. Strangelove aka Dr. A.Q. Khan, the pollution of Rawalpindi, a city close to the devastating earthquake, and his observation that A.Q. Khan is considered a demigod (how little he knows about Pakistan).

He writes (and the ‘u’ after ‘q’ is his because God darnit that the way God intended it to be), ‘…Dr. Abdul Quadeer Khan, the metallurgist who after a stint in Europe had returned to Pakistan in the mid-1970s with stolen designs, and over the years had provided the country—single-handedly, it was widely believed—with an arsenal of nuclear weapons.’

Now wonder of all wonders, when James Bond ‘steals’ it is called spying. When the US smuggles secrets from Cuba, USSR and Egypt it is not stealing, when the British MI6 Cambridge ring gave away cold war secrets it is spying. But if a Pakistani brings back centrifuge design to compete with a legitimate enemy, who was ‘given’ the nuclear technology under a program called ‘Atoms for peace’ by President Eisenhower, then he is stealing.

Nuclear proliferation CANNOT stop while the US builds burrowing nuclear bombs. Mankind will end up destroying the world if we continue building these devices, but how can the US expect sovereign nation to accept their please and threats when they keep building up their own armament.

The article has one motive. In short,
‘You brown people should not have a nuclear bomb, only we can have the bomb, why don’t you do some civil disobedience, dance a Bhangra, teach us Yoga, and cook us some Chicken Tikka Masala.’

Logical analysis will only predicate that the country most likely to use a nuclear bomb will be
a) one that has many
b) one that has used one before
c) one that has participated in more wars than any other in the last 60 years
d) one that continues development of nuclear, biological, chemical and cluster bombs, napalm and air-fuel bombs
I wonder what country that would be?

Tariq Ali and more comments

Tariq Ali laments on why were the US, German and British forces in Afghanistan not mobilized to save lives after the earthquake

Pakistan will not forget

and more comments from home

'Things are depressing in Pakistan, media is cashing in as its something new for them. We never really had these channels to cover anything in Pakistan and now we have 5 news channels on the earthquake 24/7. Every wannabe is on TV asking for donation and FM 89 is selling wrist bands to all the burger kids who weren’t already wearing one.

First time, I have seen people come together in Pakistan the way they have now but at the same time people in Karachi need entertainment and sadly all the relief camps are being used for entertainment and poondi. The last place you would expect a relief center to be would be Lecole School in Phase 8.

The Pak-jawans are sitting idle and are not involved in any activities at these camps in Karachi as Pak-burgers have completely occupied the territory.

Anyway, I think I am being about things. People are really trying and getting together to help and that’s what really matters. We donated a bunch of water, dates, milk, blankets, etc. We hired a Suzuki to transport the stuff the second day of the quake, so the things were still a little saner. We volunteered to Pack medicines and stuff the initial two days, and then it just got too crowded and crazy.'

OPEN appeals for helicopters

With the worst affected areas in northern Pakistan remaining largely inaccessible, the ONLY way to get humanitarian and medical aid and heavy equipment to these earthquake victims is through air drops using helicopters.
Pakistans most critical need remains helicopters to carry aid, heavy equipment and search and rescue teams with K 9 dogs. Please call President Bush, thank him for the 8 helicopters he is sending, but request him to send at least 50 more:

President Bush:
E-mail: president@whitehouse.gov
Phone: (202) 456-1414
Fax: (202) 456-2461

Please also contact your Senators & Congress persons with this appeal. You can get there contacts at: http://www.congress.org/congressorg/home/

Sample letter here

www.opensiliconvalley.com

Remarks on the 7.6 tragedy

The unofficial toll is now around 40,000. I am depressed after talking to friends and family in Pakistan. A few things struck me about the disaster, the fact that entire villages have disappeared in tragic.
The creeping cold and freezing rain is going to hamper the relief efforts as Kashmir settles into winter. The panic of Karachites as the coastal city and Balochistan were hit by low intensity tremors, and of course the Muhib-watani of my nation. As a US resident, I am destined to miss both tragic and joyous moments. I missed the 1992 Cricket World Cup Win, the devastation of Karachi during operation cleanup in 1992, the bloodless coup of Gen/President Pervaiz Musharraf in 1999 and now the one time where the nation is united and working together. I wish I was there to do some good for once. But I just blog . . .

Some quotes from friends,

'Karachi is going nuts with the whole relief work for the earthquake. It’s good to see that, other than the burgers there for poondi and rolling around smoking up.'

'We are so engrossed in magnifying our silly problems and there comes a catastrophe .....a real eye opener ....this is what we need a shiver from the earth and every thing can just vanish ... it is unimaginable destruction, generations are destroyed .....I cant forget the eyes of a 3 yr old who was rescued after 3 days ...they were stoned ....black holes .....although it is the time when the country needs youth , a lot of I know are going with rescue teams to the affected areas'

'Yaar the relief effort is going on but the damage I am afraid is way too much, way too much. Although, when I was at the PAF camp in Karachi yesterday I saw a true depiction of national spirit so this has really brought the awam together...'

'I wanted to share an eye witness account of the situation in Kashmir from my sister who was stationed there with her husband.
They were located northeast of Muzaffarbad near the LoC where their ADS and home were on the slope of a mountain overseeing 3 or 4 villages in a valley surrounded by tall mountains. They were inside their home at the time the earthquake struck at which time their entire home; ceiling and walls just fell on them. They did not even have time to move. Both of them were buried under the rubble while the earth shook violently. My sister first and then her husband managed to crawl out of a small space where they could see some light. Both of them sustained injuries including fractures and cuts, however not life-threatening, Thank God. When they got out, in her words, the entire landscape & geography of the area had changed. The hill that usually was in front of them was no more and large chunks of entire mountain ridges, cliffs and tops were falling down on to the valley. There was a huge split in the earth directly ahead of them. If the loud sound of moving and falling mountains wasn’t devastating enough, they looked down in the valley only to see huge amounts of rubble. None of the structures in the villages (houses, schools, mosques) were there any more. As injured people started to reach them by foot, it was clear that at least 85-90% of the civilian population in that area had perished (approximately 3000-4000 people)'

And lastly our illustrious MNA Aitzaz Ahsan, deplores the US for sending eight helicopters when it has a thousand stationed in neighboring Afghanistan and the Saudi’s who have a fleet of 10,000 of which not a single one was send and lastly the refusal by the Army to use Indian helicopters.

After thoughts on the quake

First and foremost, apologies for my sarcastic bitchy posting on the morning of the disaster. The US has spared eight helicopters and $50 million dollars now the full extent of the disaster has become known and Kuwait's has signed up for $100 million.

It is sad and tragic, the people who suffered most don't have much to spare as is, and landslides probably accounted for most of the dead. My heart especially goes out to the students of Shaheen High school who are still trapped in rumble. But it is the greatest natural disaster to hit Pakistan? I would have assumed the Bhola cyclone that hit East Pakistan, now Bangladesh would have qualified for the worst with up to 500,000 people dead.

Also, what would all the fundamentalist Mullahs says now, the one’s that were goading over the disaster in New Orleans. See how Allah punished American for the invasion of Iraq. What would be the rational for this? There can only be two that I can think of. Pakistan is being punished for supporting America, or for abandoning the Kashmir’s freedom struggle. A faint hope in my heart when I heard about the disaster was that maybe for once my countrymen (and women) would pull together and embark on a shared vision and justice for all.

In any case, here are the main charity organizations that are collecting donations for the Earthquake victims. Hidaya Foundation and Islamic Relief

US response to earthquake in Pakistan

A deadly earthquake hit Pakistan yesterday. 20,000 dead in Kashmir. Entire villages have disappeared. The US has promised $100,000, yes you heard me, that's right, a full $100,000.

I am awaiting the Kuwait response, they gave a 100 million to Tsunami victims and 500 million to Katerina victims (by the way can anyone tell me how many lives were lost there, I can't seem to find a single news source that can say how many people died because of Hurricane Katerina in New Orleans).

Finally, here is the true American reponse to the chaos in Pakistan after the earthquake. On Yahoo front page, one day after the earthquake.

S. Asia Quake Hits Area Where Osama Hides

I tell you the Duke would have been so disappointed with this pettiness.

Osprey unleashes hell on mosques

Seems like Boeing and Bell are apologizing to the Muslims. No, no, not for the tons of weaponry (cluster bombs, laser guided bombs, missiles, etc) they nonchalantly drop on ‘foreign fighter’ (they of course are native to Iraq). They are apologizing for an ad in the Sept. 24 issue of National Journal, a political-affairs publication, depicts U.S. special operations troops rappelling out of a CV-22 Osprey built by Bell and Boeing in an assault on a mosque.

"It descends from the heavens. Ironically it unleashes hell," reads the ad's headline. The caption shows marines landing on a mosque which read ‘Muhammad Mosque’. If it was a advertisment, it would probably mimic Russel Crowe's famous line from Gladiator, 'At my command, unleash hell'

What is more ridiculous, Bell apologizing for a stupid ad, or the Muslims protesting over a dumb photo as Boeing build weaponry unleashes hell everyday in Iraq.
Article here