Response to Mr. Cleese Letter

A response from a friend who is a real patriot. Bravo!

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Thank you for your incisive, particular and patronizing letter. We wouldn't expect anything less from a representative of our former beloved and benevolent colonizer.

You may have read that not all of us elected our dear leader. But it's not in a pissy former-colonialists nature to see the subjects of their colonies for their diversity, is it? So to make it easy for you, I will retort as a unified American, as ironic as that is. We hope you understand. We wouldn't expect anything less from a representative of a culture that puts irony and "wit" at a higher premium than content. It's as if somehow, by putting a clever imaginary verbal glue between two pair of underpants you think not only have they become a beautiful coat, but that Mr. Bean donning said coat and swishing about is the highest form of internationally accepted entertainment.
The Queen Mother, you say? Fantastic! Mother, indeed. What a bunch of sluts and freaks roaming through her home. Jerry Springer, indeed.

We prefer your parliament anyway. We will in fact arm you to disband Congress and Senate. Your parliament is more than American enough for us anyway (sans the wigs). There is name calling, drunkenness, shoving. We like those guys. (Could use a couple dykes, though.)

We have some problems with Tony Blair, but we will accept him as he has always been a bottom to us. We would like to continue spanking him. He has a pretty mouth (a rare condition in the state of modern British dentistry).

While it's true that we are blissfully ignorant, close-minded and nation-centric, we find it strange that you, the British, would use this as a criticism. Remember when you all decided to venture forth and see how big exactly the world was and tried to turn all the world into a manufacturing plant and "burra" of your own, making sure that all the little blackies and brownies of the world served you roast beef-headed, boiled cabbage-haired, big-paunched, bad-teethed, uppity tricksters with white gloves?
Yes, I said "you all." We have decided that is a friendly and useful phrase in the language you are desperately trying to make irrelevant in the modern world, and we will continue its use. Good thing you won't understand what it means when you do take us "back" over and we swear at you under our breath, recreating the long history of undetected swearing that has floated around your cloudy heads, drunk on SHERRY (which should only truly be used in cooking as it is NASTY), as the so-called natives gave you a piece of their native minds in their native tongues and you hurrrumphed your way on through you day. Soldier on!

Look up these words, why don't you, fella:
Snooty
Hypocrite
Twitty (as opposed to "witty," which is an adjective, not a religion)
Titanium (you can have al-you-min-ee-yum)
Oh, and I guess you would criticize (or "criticise?") us for our use of Z. Let's take a look at Z words:

Zaire. You were too busy fucking up elsewhere to notice when the Belgians (doing more than just your deeply analyzed potato products) borrowed your specific techniques to "steal" the stealing of the natives' lands from your grasp. You stayed back in

Zanzibar, which you colonized until 1963, the same year JFK was assasinated? You want a history lesson about that fucking year? You think WE are hiding something?

Zebra. Did you know there used to be colored zebras? They became extinct during your rule in colonial Rhodesia. Another brutal attempt for you to ensure that the world exists in only your black and white.

Zee. Oh, by the way, "zee" is older than "zed," in YOUR LANGUAGE. Before the US existed, btw. Even "izzard" is more noveau than "zee," but that's also French, and the one thing we do agree on is not to impersonate the French under any circumstances.

George Eliot. There is a great quote about British disdain for Z by George. Then again, SHE was PISSED off at having to PRETEND SHE WAS A MAN TO WRITE, so we give her a break for criticizing the Z. Her quote amounted to the assertion that Z was added to the end of the alphabet, not as a useful letter, but as a separator between the real letters and the ampersand. We understand your fear of the concept, "last." We understand the concept of afterthought is difficult for you, existing in a world in which you, now, are always a has-been.

Speaking of misogyny, what's up with the suggestion our athletes play with "girls?" Our WOMEN kick your women's ASSES. BTW, it is impolite to call adult females "girls," particularly when they are KICKING YOUR ASSES. Oh, and that's right, our women ESPECIALLY kick your asses at SOCCER, even though according to you, none of us know what that is.

Thanks for talking to Microsoft. In Seattle. Washington. USA.

PLEASE don't try to ensure we distinguish you from the Australians. Your transparent attempt to ensure NOBODY remembers you 1) DISCARDED your "trash" on that continent; and 2) you dumped them VIOLENTLY, AGAIN on a colony of until then self-sustaining natives is both disingenuous and, well, silly. And not silly in a "Mr. Bean just got caught again picking his nose when really it was a super glue incident" way.

Hollywood called to refuse your request about casting Brits as good guys. They are too effeminate.

We are not going to sing a song asking God to save the Queen. If you weren't out colonizing for the last 300 years maybe she wouldn't need all the help.

We do not, however, and officially, argue with your criticisms of our uses of guns, the metric system, weak "lager," lawyers, therapists, inferior cars, inferior tea, things "nuclear," etc. Fair enough. We would like to bring up a few recent incidents to help you further this anaylsis inward:

- Shooting of unarmed Brazilian dude in the TUBE you thought a terrorist.

- Last night's high frequency of puking inside pubs due to over-consumption of "strong" beer even though pubs close at, like, 5 pm or, like, whenever.

- We think it funny you criticize our lawyers vs. your SOLICITORS.

- Most of us don't go to therapists. You watch too much TV.

- We have no response to cars, tea and "nuclear." We agree with you. We don't actually drink that much tea.

Thanks again for your criticism. We love it. It's like tickling us, and shit, like totally awesome when you are our spanking puppet, and, like, we are like laughing hilariously while you are tickling us with your little nancy feathers! We don't actually think any of your criticisms are unwarranted, we just wish they came from one of the other 6+ billion people on this planet that have a legitimate reason to make those complaints, and, specifically, like, not from you.

Love,

The, like, US of frizzzeaking A.